Thanksgiving (A Sad Day On Sesame Street)...
Top 10 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO...
10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter
the trailer park."
8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a
day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a
typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little
"m"s on them.
And Number the #1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...
1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape!
Top 10 Times In History When Using The Word
"Fuck" Was Appropriate...
10) "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" - Custer
8) "Any fucking idiot could understand that."- Einstein
7) "It does SO fucking look like her!" - Picasso
6) "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain." - Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered fucking showers - my ass!" - Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"-JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton
Top 10 Things Men Should Never Say Out Loud In
Victoria's Secret...
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No Thanks. Just Sniffing...
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in
Victoria's Secret:
1. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!
Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say... (No
Matter What!)
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
Training Courses Now Available For Men...
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the
Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the
Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics
Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out
of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the
Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash
Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and
Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the
"Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's OK to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean
You Can Fix It
The Perfect Man...
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous
woman sitting at another table alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to
be sent over to her, figuring that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is
from the gentleman over there.
She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over
to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you gotta have a Mercedes in
your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it
read:
"Just so you know, I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have $2M
in the bank, but even for YOU, I would NOT cut off 2 inches!
Sorry, honey.
Things That Make You Go Hmmm (Part I)...
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same
thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after
light" ?
12. Doesn't ''expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?
14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the
batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?
Things That Make You Go Hmmm (Part II)...
1. Ever wonder about those people who
spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a
restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville
Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs,"
what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from
diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called
Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it
disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight
packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano
called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced
onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge,
would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee
breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the
driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me
....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed
their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can
look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to
help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of
lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come
out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A
through G?
Tweety vs Woodstock...
Typical Male...
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a
romantic evening of wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as
they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers
softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for
bye-byes yet".
The wife takes the hint, and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first".
So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands
flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up, and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey
bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?".
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed, and they have mad passionate sex for
three hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips
over the same piece of carpet, and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch".
Viagra...
In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra & announced today
that they have settled on Mycoxafailin. Also
considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin & Mydixarizin.
Walt Handelsman - Homeland Security...
Windows 2000 Brooklyn Edition...
Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS 2000/BROOKLYN
EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Broooklyn.
If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands. Da
Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads:
"WINDAS 98," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza.
When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music,
you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos
screen sava.
Please also note:
* Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten
Island."
* My Computer is called "My Friggin'
Computa."
* The Inbox is referred to as "Da
Trunk."
* Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked,"
"Erased," or "Rubbed Out."
* Dial up Networking is called "Da
Bar."
* Control Panel is known as the "Da
Bosses."
* Performin' an "illegal
operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will
actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.
* Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE
Rush Hour."
* Instead of an error message a "You
ain't gonna friggin' believe dis!" pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK...................Sure ting
Cancel...........Fugetaboutit
Reset.............Start Ova
Yes.................Yeah
No...................Nah
Find................Put a contract out on
Browse..........Get a looksee
Back...............U toin
Help................(Help ain't available - yous don't need no
stinkin' help)
Stop.................Knock it off
Start.................Move it!
Settings..........Here's d' Rules
Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform
don't recognize da letter "R."
Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS 2000:
Typa................A word processin' program
Printa...............Printer
Calculata..........Calculator
Solitare.............Seven Card Stud
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of da
BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Yous got a problem wit dat?
Bill ("4 Eyes") Gates
Windows 2000 - Ebonics Edition
Compton City Schools has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows
98, Retitled "Dis Be a Fresh Window" has been leaked to several white suburbs,
causing confusion for unsuspecting Caucasian users.
There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.
When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar Windows chime is replaced with a
"phat ghetto track that melts 'em down wit da' dope-ass bass."
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."
The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster, and the Internet
Explorer shortcut reads, "Titty & Booty Sites."
If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced with "Da
Hood."
Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialog box changes:
Break Back In = Reentry
Aww, Shit = Error
U Betta Recognize = No
Itz All Good = OK
4 Real Doe = Yes
Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
Nigga, you Crazy? = Are You Sure?
Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
Put A Cap In It = Delete
Games & Shit = Programs
Letter Shit = Documents
The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works
titled "Homie Essentials." The word-processing program greatly differs from the
mainstream program. Several functions on the title bar have been changed:
Dat be Thang = File
I Be Seein' It = View
Put Sumpin In = Insert
Hook It Up = Format
Stuff I Ain't Needin' = Tools
Number Shit = Table
Break In = Window
What Da Fuck? = Help
Note "Stuff I Ain't Needin' " does not include spelling or grammar check
options. Also, the familiar "AutoCorrect" has been replaced with "Keepin' It
Real".
Peace Out, Yo!
Winders 2000 - Texas Edition…
Notice from Microsoft:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas Edition of Windows
2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Texas.
If you have one of the Texas Editions, you may need some help understanding the
commands.
The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS2000 with a background picture of the Alamo superimposed on the
Texas flag, and is shipped with a Leann Rimes screen saver.
Also, note the following:
- Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse".
- My Computer is called "This Infernal Contraption".
- Dialup Networking is called "Good Ol Boys".
- Control Panel is known as the "Dashboard".
- Hard Drive is referred to as Wheel Drive.
- Floppies are "Them Lil' Ol' Plastic Disk Thangs".
Other features:
- Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and
duct tape.
Terminology:
- OK = ats aww-right.
- Cancel = hail no.
- Reset = aw shoot.
- Yes = shore.
- No = Naaaa.
- Find = hunt-fer it.
- Go to = over yonder.
- Back = back yonder.
- Help = hep me out here.
- Stop = ternit off.
- Start = crank it up.
- Settings = sittins.
- Programs = stuff that does stuff.
- Documents = stuff I done done.
Also note that Winders 2000 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation
marks.
Should you have received a copy of the Texas Edition, you may return it to
Microsoft for a replacement version. We regret any inconvenience, it may
have caused.
Thank-ya!
What Engineers Have to Deal With...
A group of Managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures,
and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thing
is just a mess!
An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls
the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives
the measurement to one of the Managers and walks away.
After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an Engineer? We're looking for the height and
he gives us the length."
Who Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg?...
Why Women Talk So Much...
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study
which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas
women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use
twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?!"
Working...
You Know You're From Long Island If...
1. You feel like you know Howard Stern.
2. You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you never
go there.
3. When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there,
you don't.
4. You know that the beach sucks during the day and is the most magical
place in the world at night.
5. You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on
intuition.
6. You're still waiting for a bridge to Connecticut.
7. You've tried to use your father's monthly ticket to ride the LIRR...
and it worked.
8. You'd pay $8.75 (or more) to go see a movie.
9. No matter what you do, you end up at the diner.
10. Your distant future might involve the state of Florida.
11. You've never really fully evaluated the meaning of the name Hicksville.
12. High school sports aren't that important.
13. You know where the Commack Motor Inn is, but you "have never been
there".
14. You've never been to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
15. You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.
16. You've driven around endlessly and always manage to find your way home.
17. You complain about the increasing amount of malls, yet you shop at them
anyway.
18. Each one of your diverse friends mercilessly makes fun of their own
background.
19. You love that salty smell of the ocean.
20. When someone says, "what are we going to do tonight?", you know
you will be visiting the ATM at some point.
21. You know that the ocean makes everything a little better.
22. You are proud of where you come from when it comes down to it.
23. For the most part you're inconsiderate, and you think that people love you
for it.
24. You can call yourself a Long Islander, but you have little interest in doing
so. Then you leave and you are Mr. or Ms. Long Islander!
25. You have no interest in or knowledge of country music.
26. You are served by the best-paid cops in the country.
27. No, you don't want mustard on that burger!
28. How many times can YOU use the word 'like' in a sentence?
29. The most exciting day of your summer is when all tickets to every Jones
Beach show go on sale.
30. You went to an elementary school that promoted dodge ball as the number 1
game among children 7-13. Kickball was # 2.
31. You know White Castle is terrible for you and the food sucks, but, you
periodically "Get the Crave".
32. Its the only place in the world that people have 2 hour conversations about
who is better, The Yankees or The Mets-----Jets or Giants----Rangers or
Islanders.
33. You can order a pizza pie and a soda, and people will understand.
34. You've never taken an MTA bus.
35. You felt slighted when Snapple sold out.
36. You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.
37. Someone you know is friends with or has hung out with Bily Joel.
38. You wanted Hooters to open simply to piss off "decency" groups.
39. You watched a game show and wondered, "why are these people so happy
that they won a trip to New York?".
40. You always remark, "Boy it would be cool to see Letterman", yet
you do nothing to achieve that goal.
41. You are successful in avoiding Regis and Kathy Lee.
42. You're really cynical.
43. You like the Brother's McMullen.
44. You've always thought Eddie Murphy was from Long Island, but weren't quite
sure.
45. When you hear Billy Joel's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant",
you try to figure out what places on Long Island he's talking about.
46. You know that parts of the Godfather were filmed on LI.
47. You've said stupid things like "Strong Island".
48. You've paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, and got nothing for it.
49. You have never considered sex with a relative.
50. You think religion doesn't affect you much.
51. You miss wiffleball and running through sprinklers.
52. You always liked Billy Joel, but as soon as you leave, you love Billy Joel.
53. You think that Jones Beach Theater is the best place to see a concert.
54. Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from the North
Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore."
55. You don't see the big deal about the Hamptons.
56. You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New
York.
57. You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".
58. You never realize you have an accent until you leave.
59. You know at least 1 cop personally.
60. You curse. A lot.
61. If your parents didn't, your grandparents lived in The City.
62. At some point in your life you or someone you know has gotten an animal that
came from North Shore Animal League.
63. You spent numerous nights at a park, empty fields or a parking lot,
and actually had fun.
64. You or someone you know (or both) have a car that is "Hooked Up".
65.You can point out girls at a club that are stuck up w/o even talking to them.
66. Alcohol or drugs is involved in EVERYTHING.
You Know You're Italian When...
1. You're 5'4", can benchpress 325 pounds, shave twice a day, and you still
cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2
mortadella"sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular
paperlunch bag.
3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a
76 Monte Carlo.
4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all
blood relatives.
5. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a
nutritious breakfast.
6. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens (one in the
basement).
7. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
8. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.
9. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of those
cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
10. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the
title of "professore" among your aunts.
11. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
12. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his mother
had an affair.
14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
You Might Be An Engineer If...
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you want an 24X CD-burner for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a Pentium 4
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point
in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the
burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that
actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and
your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your desktop PC is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the
radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but
are afraid to say it out loud.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they
are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the
front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have
seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands
for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a
magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that
was normal
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate
You Might Be Trailor Trash If...
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch
this."
8. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
10. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
11. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
12. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
13. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen,
start your engines."
14. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
15. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
16. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas
it has in it.
17. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
18. Your toilet paper has a page numbers on it.
19. You dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
20. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of
Tattoos.
21. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
22. Ya' can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there's a law against it.
23. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
24. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
This page was last updated on
12/17/11.
