New Jersey...
A guy is getting desperate in a bar, so he walks up to this woman and says to
her, "If I can name three parts of your body that resemble towns in New Jersey,
you have to go home with me tonight".
She looks at him and says, "You're on!
He points to her chest and says, "Point Pleasant".
She says, "OK, but you'll never get two more".
He then pinches her rear end, and says, "Ship Bottom".
She laughs and says, "Ok that's two; but you'll never get a third".
He then points in between her legs and says, "Cherry Hill".
She replies:
"Well it used to be Cherry Hill, but now it's Eatontown".
No Way To Please A Woman...
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign
that reads: "For Women Only". Since
they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by
floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's
inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here
have it short and thin." The
friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin."
Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short
and thick." They still want to do
better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and
thick." The women get all excited
and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."
Not-So-Gay Rooster...
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new
rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old
rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster
replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look
what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the
corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking
over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire
chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a
chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old
rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off
running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young
rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 feet behind the old rooster
and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the
front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his
shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer
sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit... third gay rooster I bought this
month."
Nudist Colony...
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts the photo
in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really
worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad
his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he
receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hair style... It makes your nose look too short!"
Office Antics...
Oh My God...
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the
intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I
am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Only In America...
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a
diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to
the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
11. Only in America... can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and
a draft dodger live in the White House.
Pick-Up Lines That Don't Work...
Pimpin'...
Pre-Viagra Days...
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is
unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind, and refers him to a
psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you
could possibly be cured. Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch
doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor
says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All
you have to do is say "123" and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it
will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good
news. So, he is lying in bed with her, and says "123," and suddenly he
gets an erection.
His wife turns over, and says "What did you say '123' for ?"
Priceless...
Problem Solving Flowchart...
Pulled-Over...
This page was last updated on
12/17/11.
