Gay Frank...
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests
run. The doctor comes back and says "Frank, Iam not going to beat around
the bush. You have AIDS."
Frank is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat five pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, twenty unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten
Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and
top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Frank asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass
is for."
Happy Everything...
Happy Trails...
Humor is always a bonus... Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a
bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel
free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...
it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening
the overhead compartments, because after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more."
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more
than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind
will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During
the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely
hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate."
13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane.
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Heineken Babies...
Hot Dogs...
Hot Enough For Ya?
If Looks Could Kill...
In Heat...
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage, and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it,
and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."
Liquid Lunch...
Lost Puppy...
Monkey Business...
Morris The Loudmouth Mechanic...
Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor
of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the
side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a
minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic
was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively,
"So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr
like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing
basically da same work?"
The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic,
"Try doing it with the engine running."
This page was last updated on
11/26/06.
