Drunk Off Your Ass...
Dumb And Dumber...
* This picture is real (not doctored in anyway) and was
taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building
materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he
quickly ran and bought a disposable camera to capture the madness on film.
Here's the picture...
Here's
the story behind the picture...
The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the
exhaust fume. A woman is either asleep, or otherwise out, in the front passenger
seat. The guy driving it was jogging up and down on Rt. 925 (in the
background).
Witnesses said their behavior was anything but
normal. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was
found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around
the load! Luckily, the police stopped him, and had the load removed in a
more appropriate manner.
The materials were loaded at Home Depot. The store
manager there said they had the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood
and 2x4s are fairly obvious, what you can’t see is the back seat, which
contains (are you ready for this) 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. The
estimated weight of the load is 3000 lbs!
Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the back
shocks were driven through the floorboard. The car, with Florida plates, was
headed for Annapolis, where the couple presumably planned to build a new house
in which to smoke their crack.
You just can't make this stuff up.
Dumb Blonde Joke...
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her
knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Early Retirement Bonus...
The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any
General who retired right away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the General's body,
with the General getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force General, accepted.
He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip
of his toes. Six feet.
He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army General, asked them to measure from the tip of his
outstretched hands to his toes. Eight
feet. He walked out with a check
for $960,000.
When the third General, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he
told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my
testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two Generals had received.
The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd
better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em.
He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the General's penis and began
to work back. "My God!"
he said, "Where are your testicles?"
The General replied, "In Vietnam."
Easter (I Hare Ya?)...
Engineering Jokes...
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus, when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my
own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.""
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
******************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must
have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't
they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They
lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They
had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a
small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is
where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation
for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some
work done."
*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll
stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."
F#$% Winter...
Forbidden Love... (so wrong, and yet so right)
They were together in the house. Just the two of
them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly
and each time the thunder boomed, he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance... and wished that
he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
She wanted that... more than anything.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed. He raced to
the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his
arms. He knew this was a forbidden union, and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist, but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on... as did their growing fondness for one another.
And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.
Although their families would never understand, they were so consumed with love
for each other that they heard no opening of doors...
Just the faint click of a camera...
Fudge-Packer...
Fukitol...
This page was last updated on
12/17/11.
