Austin Power ID Card...
Baby Dishwasher...
Bad Job...
Bad Rabbit...
Bathroom Floor Art...
Billboards...
Bitch-Slap...
Blind Farmer...
Bunny Slipper...
B.S. Bingo...
The next time you're forced to sit through a long, boring
presentation, grab a sheet of paper and play some "B.S. Bingo".
As you're listening to your speaker drone on about whatever, you simply check
off as many of the following catch-phrases that he/she uses:
- at the end of the day...
- e-business/E-commerce
- feedback
- going forward
- implementation
- increase mind share
- infrastructure
- integration
- logistics
- roadmap
- strategize
- synergistic fit
- thinking outside the box
- transition
- win-win
The winner is whoever gets the most check-offs...
Now, maybe you'll pay attention!
"Can You Hear Me Now?"
Cat On eBay...
Caught In The Act...
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when
things started to get somewhat passionate.
They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what
was going on outside. All of a
sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.
The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?"
he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.
"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman
wrote the ticket for. He responded,
"Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"
Changing The Oil...
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the
mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check
and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
-----------------
Total: $21
Men:
1. Go to local auto parts and spend
$50 on case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil
container is full. Instead of
taking it back to local auto parts store to recycle, dump it in hole in back
yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up.
Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's
pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another
beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot
oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is
draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with
screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case
with him. Decide to finish oil change later.
18. Later, drag pan full of old oil
out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil
spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all already.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter, making
sure to apply thin coat of clean oil on gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil
into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step
11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in
drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug
before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang
knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floorboard in
reaction.
29. Utter expletives.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to
knuckle.
32. Beer.
33. More beer.
34. Dump in additional 4 quarts of
oil.
35. Beer.
36. Lower car from jack stands
37. Accidentally crush one of the
jack stands
38. Move car back to apply more
kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
39. Test drive car
40. Get pulled over; arrested for
DWI.
41. Car gets impounded.
42. Make bail; get car from Impound
yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$25 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
----------------
Total: $1350
Cheers (Norm Strikes Back)...
"What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of
that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one... make that one-thirty."
"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
" It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."
"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
Classroom Chaos...
The teacher asked her class, "Who said Give me liberty or
give me death"
Little Suzuki answered, "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" she said. "Who said Government of the people, by the people, for
the people, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response; except from Suzuki who answered, "Abraham Lincoln in the
Gettysburg Address, 1863."
The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our
country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up, "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, one student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
Again, Suzuki answers, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill
Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy,
2001."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, "Oh, shit; we're in BIG trouble!"
Suzuki solemnly said, "Arthur Andersen to Enron, 2002."
Clean Underwear...
Coke-Head...
Cowboys With Big Feet...
This lady goes into a bar in Waco and sees this cowboy with
his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some
boots that fit."
Cruelty To Animals...
This page was last updated on
11/26/06.
