3 Gay Men...
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same
time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and
scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter
his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to
dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more
time."
10 Ways To Get Ahead In Business Without Actually Working...
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for
important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading
for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're
heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with
you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours
than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual
observer. You can send and receive personal email, chat and generally have a
blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the
societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and
you will get caught -your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to
use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like
we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work;
it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming
to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just
because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they
want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls
through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it
sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not
there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're
being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and
annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You
could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no
time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your
way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.)
and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you
are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on
the floor, etc... (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.
Use the phrases freely when in conversation with
bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound
impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
19th Hole...
24 Signs That You Are Getting Old...
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any
laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
30 Things Real Men Never Say...
1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. Her tits are just too big.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "20/20" gives me a woody.
6. Sure! I'd love to wear a condom.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your
purse.
8. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch "Ally McBeal".
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons??
11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's
getting ready for bed? Maybe I
should tell her.
15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them
anymore.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much nudity.
9. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's tits.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!!!
26. Hey, isn't today your mother’s birthday?
27. Let's talk, I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie??
37 Pick-up Lines...
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs... What time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to
you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you
seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all
day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that
thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could
do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap
motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
39 Reasons Men Should Be Proud Of Themselves...
1. Phone conversations are over in
30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters
don't rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom
without a support group.
7. You don't have to learn how to
spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed
unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the
slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of
themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite
you to something, he or she can still be friends.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a
three-pack.
14. If you are 34 and single,
nobody notices.
15. Everything on your face stays
its original color.
16. You can quietly enjoy a car
ride from the passenger's seat.
17. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough.
18. You don't have to clean your
apartment if the meter reader is coming.
19. Car mechanics tell you the
truth.
20. You can quietly watch a game
with your buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at
me."
21. Same work... more pay.
22. Gray hair and wrinkles only add
character.
23. Wedding dress -- $2,000.
Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
24. You don't mooch off other's
desserts.
25. You can drop by to see a friend
without having to bring a little gift.
26. If another guy shows up at the
party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
27. Your pals can be trusted never
to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
28. You are not expected to know
the names of more than five colors.
29. You don't have to stop and
think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
30. You almost never have strap
problems in public.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles
in your clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for
years, maybe decades.
33. You don't have to shave below
your neck.
34. At least a few belches are
expected and tolerated.
35. Your belly usually hides your
big hips.
36. One wallet and one pair of
shoes, one color, all seasons.
37. You can "do" your
nails with a pocketknife.
38. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.
39. Christmas shopping can be
accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
69...
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't
care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer
the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam
sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth; I was eating a jam
sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth... I was
looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
This page was last updated on
03/28/05.
